


In The End

by iRememberTheDark



Series: If You Lose, You Die [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional, Gen, Inner Dialongue, Manga Spoilers, Post Rumbling, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27171340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iRememberTheDark/pseuds/iRememberTheDark
Summary: Mikasa always knew it would end like this. She just didn't realize the extent.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: If You Lose, You Die [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983308
Comments: 14
Kudos: 32





	In The End

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little FYI if this seems familiar. I posted this under my other penname on Fanfiction.net, but I have no desire to actually connect the accounts. Please enjoy!

Mikasa always knew it would be like this in the end.

She supposes that was why she always tried so hard to stay close to him, to keep him near, clinging to him so tightly that he would stay in her grasp forever, stay in her sight. Yet, somehow, maybe when she got distracted, maybe when she wasn’t looking, maybe when she let her guard down, he managed to slip away.

She always felt she was looking at his back moving away from her, always reaching out for him. The gap between them just seemed to grow larger and larger until she couldn’t hold onto him, couldn’t see him anymore. The space between them became much too dark and much too vast. She was nothing without him (because what did living mean if he wasn’t with her). She couldn’t leave him alone (for fear of being without him). Was life running out?

Mikasa always knew that in the end, Eren would leave them behind, leave her behind.

Eren, who would never be content to just sit whereas she was happy to just be by his side. Eren, who would always find a way to move forward and she, who would find a way for him to do just that if it was what he wanted. Eren, who feared living a useless life when he was the reason she could get up everyday. Eren, who wanted to save everyone precious to him with no regard of how precious he was to them, to her.

Having one’s heart break wasn’t what Mikasa expected it would be.

His harsh words didn’t cut too deeply. She knew she was smothering him, but how else could she hold on. She knew he didn’t mean them most of the time. She knew he simply wanted to protect her as she did him. The crushing grief and anguish and distress was nothing like it was when she thought he had died, snuffed out like a gust of wind putting out the flame of a candle. At least then, he didn’t leave her voluntarily. It wasn’t a conscious decision. There was someone, something, to channel those feelings towards.

She didn’t want to be angry at him. She knew why he was doing it and she could be mad at the world and everyone who was against them, who wanted to prevent them from living when they had done nothing wrong, who had pushed him to the point where he had to leave. She hadn’t felt so helpless since the day her parents had been killed. Mikasa didn’t want to be angry at him. What would be the point in that? Thinking back to first time they faced a simpler enemy, she wondered how she managed to keep herself together and keep going. She wondered how it hadn’t crippled her (Except it did).

It was so surprising how it didn’t matter when he finally came back.

After all, there was no longer a place for her denial to fit. The denial that they would be enough to keep him there, that they (she) could stay together (by his side), that everything she put into keeping him safe and happy would be enough.

But surviving wasn’t enough for him. It wasn’t living. It wasn’t enough. It all seemed to come down to being enough (and she wasn’t). So, it should only be fitting that having him back wasn’t enough, because now that she knew what she did, it just didn’t matter. She guesses she’s like him in that regard now. All she can do is relive their memories of when it was.

Still, Mikasa treats him just the same. Making sure he’s feeling ok, making sure he’s eating, making sure no one’s treating him badly, making sure he’s sleeping. It’s hard to break those habits (she’s not sure if she wants to, though). You would think everything he’d done would change that. It certainly has for many of the people they know, but it hasn’t for her and Mikasa guesses that’s just what it means to love unconditionally. Or it could just be the true extent of her selfishness.

She is happy to have him back. She really is.

Mixed in with those feelings of happiness is that pit of darkness that just won’t leave her chest. It clouds her eyes as she stares at the ceiling when she should be sleeping. Makes her head hurt when she looks at him, so much so, that sometimes she can’t look at him at all. It’s not anger. Mikasa knows anger at this stage. It’s not sadness. She definitely knows that too and she’s so, so happy to have him back, alive.

So she hides that darkness well, or at least, she thought she was.

It happens one night when the moon is full, and it gets so suffocating inside the cabin that she feels she just might die. He must have heard her, because she’s not far into the surrounding forest when he makes his presence known. For once, she can’t hide that pit that she (tries to) keeps buried deep. That’s just as well, because it’s exactly what he asks her about. Of course, he would.

_It would be foolish of him to think that she would always be on his side, no matter what._

_He doesn’t expect her to act the same towards him after everything he’s done, especially if she hates him._

_He doesn’t want to hold her here out of some sense obligation for something that happened years ago, especially after all the care she’s given him_.

When she really _really_ looks at him in the moonlight, her watery eyes conceal him anyway. Just like she can’t hide that darkness inside, she can’t stop her tears either.

_Mikasa?_

When was it last that she had time to actually cry? She doesn’t know. Covering her mouth, she works fruitlessly to hold it in. She doesn't want him to _know._ Her tears turn to sobs all the same.

He told her that if she didn’t fight, she couldn’t win. Winning was living. Losing was dying. They were alive, weren’t they? So why did it feel like they had lost. Lost it all. Lost everything.

_Mikasa..._

The sobs turn to angry, _bitter_ wails into the night. That’s it. That’s what is. She’s bitter and it’s just something she doesn't think he'll be able to fix. Another reason for him (and her) to feel useless, helpless. Mikasa buckles under the weight of it all.

_Mikasa!_

Nothing would bring back the happy days she had with her parents. Nothing would bring back the happy days in Shiganshina with him and his mother and his father and Armin. Nothing would bring back their innocence. Nothing would bring back the lives that were lost, the friends they parted with, the dreams and hopes she had for the future. It was all gone, and she didn’t know how to rebuild them because every time she did, it never lasted.

In a few short years, Eren would die. Permanently, this time. There was nothing that could make him stay. Mikasa no longer had her delusions to fool herself into thinking she had power to keep him, the capacity to be happy, the ability to be strong for him and herself and Armin and their friends. What did she have left to give? What could she possibly offer? Would there be a reason?

What was the point in living when she had already lost.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my actual first stab at angst. I was looking up the mental states of the characters and didn't find much on Mikasa, so I decided to write this from her point of view. I...don't quite think I captured the current Mikasa, maybe one from earlier in the series, but I'm not sure if she's in this place anymore. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Let me know what you think!


End file.
